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24 June 2006 @ 01:18 pm
So my last entry was a bit dismal, and now this one will be even more confusing;
next week we are moving into a place together if all goes well, i dont understand how exactly we moved from not even boyfriend and girlfriend to suddenly picking furniture together. idk and i dont understand it, or trust it. I have a hard time trusting people, if he wasnt so honest then i would feel even more out of sorts. but then again, you never know anyones true intent. maybe he does want to make a life together, i just dont get it. and of course you like a retard may ruin it out of confusion and insecurities, im so upset at ivette for doing that, it was disrespectful and an attempt to sabatoge our relationship; one of many. maybe now he will realize that she is always trying to do that so her next try may be in my favor. i wish i would have gone with them to his sister's it would have been a perfect way to bond with her to work agaisnt ivette, im gonna let her dad too, shit. dont try and fuck with me it will only end badly and i seem not to fear consequence. i hope i make money and are able to live comfortably with JR, im already worried about monetary issues and i havnt even gotten in there yet, i really hope we are there my july 1st, i would love that. oh and maybe by then i should be
03 January 2006 @ 07:52 pm
Need to get my real estate license and back in control of my life,,, and not be high all the time.
I feel-: discontentdiscontent
Listenin´to-: Sarah Mc-something Arms of the angel
02 January 2006 @ 07:09 pm
So0o on new years eve i called JR at midnight to wish him Happy new year and i told him that i love him and he said, i love you too. and im like ok sure you drunk and hes like im not drunk! im like ok w/e i gotta go, i love you, bye
and he said love you too bye

well today [ i didnt call yesterday(and got in trouble for it!)] i was talkin to him and i was like o do0ode you were so dRunk on new years! and hes like what are you talking about i didnt really drink new years eve-
oHmyGod! he told me HE LOVES ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I feel-: lovedloved
Listenin´to-: Blondie-Touch myself
01 January 2006 @ 10:58 pm
i cried like a fag.
best movie,,,, ever,,,, seriously woah.

i miss JR,,, i didnt call him today..... he´s prolly wondering why but i dont want him to know that ive been wanting to ALL day..... ♥

the only music i have downloaded here at my aunts house in messico has been his favorite songs...... i love him and that is O.K.
... i think.

I feel-: lonelyhomesick
Listenin´to-: Led Zepplin- Stairway to heaven
30 December 2005 @ 07:23 pm
you know what, i was looking back at my entries and i think that are amazing, i didnt recognize it my writing, i thought it was good,,,,, weird,
I feel-: weirdweird
Listenin´to-: the postal service, nothing better
06 December 2005 @ 03:22 pm
I think i have been smoking too much weed.... im high daily,,, literally i wake up and smoke a bowl and continue through-out the day. it used to be that i wouldnt drive if i had weed in my system at allll, but now im like "okay let me smoke a bowl before we go" haha
i think its a problem but im not sure,,, ill tell you when im not stoned......i need gas..
20 November 2005 @ 09:06 am
I know I'm stubburn,,, so this entry is an admission,
he has been trying to get me to say that i love him....
i never wanted to becuz i wasnt sure how he felt,
i mean he has said it a few times but i think he was drunk or high....

yesterday he wanted me to hang out with him but he had to go to Hesperia, so he said when he got back we would hang out,,, he called a lot while he was there ( he was getting a new tattoo under his daughters name on his stomach japenese symbols saying i love you forever with all my heart) [kayute!]
so he called at like nine and was like we are leaving in an hour or more [mikey was getting his tattoo]
so i was like it will be too late to hang out but he insisted it wouldnt be
i have been over there later than that and it was a saturday--was his case
so im like fine call when you are almost there
i fell asleep at carolinas and he called at like 12:30!!
i didnt hear it but i woke up 15 mins later and i checked my fone,,, he was almost at home ack ill write more later he is waking up!-------- ok...
so he insisted that i hang out even tho i told him i looked like crap, so i resolved to just go and hang out
i get there after 1am! and that little ASS is up for like ten mins is like lets go to bed.
so im like wtf?! ill update later---------ok.....
so i went all the way to his house and in five minutes he wanted to go to bed so we went to the room to sleep!
and im like why did you call me in the middle of teh night to come all teh way over here?! he said he wanted me to lay with him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10 November 2005 @ 02:58 pm

in my thoughts the buzzing grows loud so that it deafens me,, the beats outnumber drops.
----lieing in his arms i feel... i feel and thats enough for me,, make me alive.
to you its yess,
--to you its forever
for him its please
--for him i endeavor
to you i speak
--to him i see
to you i love
--with you im free
for you i ache
--for him i writhe
tears of him
--for you i cry
im overwhelmed
===== give me the sanity to take it all in and understand the whirlpool that rushes through me never sending me away never pulling me close,,, just blurring the world around me while making my heart float,
what happens when it stops. where will the zypher have led me...
the answer elludes me, leaves me wondering..fearing but hoping,
but im not asking for help... i dont need it, i dont need anyone.
yea i do. i need too much. its all too much forme
is it like always?...
never enough.
11 October 2005 @ 08:50 am
I'd get these urges to just do crazy shit,, like phsychotic shit, and I'd just laugh it off cuz it would catch me off gaurd and id be like " i would never do that"
but they've been gettin stronger lately.. i think its my tattoo its sinkin in to me or something actually turning me mad, i can feel it more now, b4 it would just be when my mind was at a blank or it was really quite,,, the feeling would swim through my veins, but now its pulsing through my body and i cant control it, last night on the drive home from JR's i was just screaming... and nothing was wrong but i wanted to bawl, scream, just anything. idk,. Maybe its becuz JR has control of me, he doesnt know it,, he never will
04 October 2005 @ 03:14 pm
im soo JAZZED! it hurt sorta but i went with Kevin < my ex.> and JR. my current so it was kinda funny, me and kevin are friends now, i like that. everything is back to normall.... <3 grr JR got a tattoo of his daughters name on his stomach and i could tell when it hurt cuz he has a sixpac and he would flex his stomach and squeaze my hand awawaw it was soo cute!

I feel-: contentcontent
Listenin´to-: fuckin country, -im at the office-